The Teachers' Lounge
by Commander Zucchini
Summary: The Board of Education left a lot of things out of the contract. They don't get paid enough for this. Royai, with Havolina and a splash of EdWin to come. High School AU. NOW UP: You Know, This Isn't the First Time Something Exploded. "Dr. Mustang, if you're really some undercover agent being hunted by the government or enemy spies, you are out of my car."
1. Join Me for a Coffee Break?

_A/N: I really shouldn't be venturing into more fics than I can chew, but it's ROYAI. This is like, my first ever OTP and my love for it has been rekindled. I can't NOT._

 _The only thing is, I don't really know what this is. I was tossing the idea around for a little while, and then even had a semi workable plot on the way, then I drew a picture and had to caption it and the caption mushroomed into this. This thing. It's out of control. I don't know what's happening, but review if you wanna come along for the ride!_

 _This will probably be a bunch of sequential shorts. Because I'm noncommittal like that_.

.

 **Join Me for a Coffee Break?**

.

Dr. Roy Mustang groans and shoves a pile of papers halfway across the break room table. Running a hand over his face tiredly, he mumbles, "If I have to read one more idiotic essay on the concentrations of acid-base solutions I might just burn all their tests."

A laugh travels across the room. Mr. Havoc, the 9th and 10th grade history teacher, has his feet propped up on another chair as he lounges, hands behind his head. "Well, if you didn't want to grade them, why assign them?"

"But they're all wrong! I haven't gotten a good essay yet! One kid even drew cats as his answer!" The weary chemistry and physics teacher slumps in the hard plastic lounge chair.

"Was it Alphonse? He doodles those on his homework sometimes," Ms. Hawkeye says as she walks into the lounge, catching the last part of Mustang's complaint and smirking.

Immediately, all the male population of the break room sits up and feigns attentiveness on their work. The English and Language Arts teacher is sharp, dedicated, and drop dead _gorgeous_. Every single guy on staff and faculty has been desperate to put on a good front and win her attention. It's almost laughable.

Mustang, however, has maintained his defeated and slouched position in his seat. "Yes, it was. Were yours fluffy and cute? He's really gotten into the fluffy ones recently."

"Fluffy, yes. Cute? Well, I'm more of a dog person myself, I admit," Hawkeye says as she flits through Mustang's chemistry tests to find the offending paper. In the process, she glances at a few answers from other students. "Hm, I'm not a science guru, but this looks a little pathetic." She raises one slender eyebrow at Mustang. "Typo on page five, _Doctor_."

"What?! No way," he scrambles to find the mistake, and sure enough, he left out a comma.

"What do you do during class time?" She wonders aloud. She finally comes across Al's cat essay and sighs.

Mustang throws up his hands in exasperation. "I teach! It's not my fault the kids don't learn anything!"

"Actually, Roy, that's incorrect. If the students haven't learned, the teacher hasn't taught," the economics and upperclassmen history teacher Mr. Falman calls from his position at the school's dinosaur desktop computer in the corner.

"Alright, Confucius, you can have my classes then," Roy rolls his eyes and stands up. "I'm getting coffee before I end up incinerating these tests _accidentally_. Care to join me for a coffee break, Miss Hawkeye?" He asks congenially.

After fixing him with what Breda has dubbed her Level 3 Withering Glare, probably because he's procrastinating, she softens just a tad and Roy can swear he sees her lip twitch into an almost-smile. "Actually, I could really use the caffeine."

With a triumphant smirk tossed over his shoulder, Dr. Mustang follows Miss Hawkeye outside the teachers' lounge.

"But keep that up, sir, and I'll tell Alphonse how much you love his chemistry essays."

.

 _A/N: So I don't really care for this one a ton, but it was an accident anyway. It's my prototype. Now on to bigger and greater adventures! Can the suave science guy woo the Grammar Nazi? Will Mustang's students ever pass? Why does Falman use Windows Vista? Can Al overcome his love of cats to pay attention in chemistry? Find out next time, in our next episode of **The Teachers' Lounge**!_


	2. They Call Us What?

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 **They Call Us What?**

.

 _Or, Havoc is all about team bonding, Falman is not impressed with the level of maturity of his colleagues, and Mustang's ego really didn't need any more inflating._

Third period. The east wing's teachers' lounge is currently occupied by four male teachers. Jean Havoc, slacking. Heymans Breda, snacking. Vato Falman, (hacking) typing. And Roy Mustang, napping.

"We should play hide and seek," Havoc suggests, in his usual chair(s), lounging with his feet propped on one, and leaning back on the back legs of the other. He's balancing a pencil on his nose.

"What, the teachers hide, and the students come looking for us?" Breda asks from the vending machine, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

"Please, you know as well as I do the state of disaster the entire building would be in if that happened," Havoc grins and his pencil falls. The chair's front legs clack down so he can lean over to pick it up. "And not because they'd be looking for us." He resumes his prior activities.

"Then what? Hide the grading?" Mustang mumbles hopefully.

"Better."

"I give up," Breda finally settles on a bag of Gold Fish.

"Us," Havoc says with glee.

"Us?" Falman says from the vintage desktop. He turns around in the lounge's only spinny chair. "What do you mean, _us_?"

"I mean we play Hide and Seek." Havoc grins like he's just come up with the greatest idea since sliced bread.

"Ain't nobody got time for that," Mustang quips, now stretching his arms.

"Sure we do! Games are a great activity for improving morale and no one is too old for a game."

"Teachers playing children's games," Falman says slowly, as if clarifying that he's hearing right, "to boost morale."

"You as slow as that computer there, V?"

"I'll have you know that this computer does its job completely adequately, unlike some other history teachers I know."

"Ouch," Breda winces. "Shots fired." He pops a couple fish into his mouth.

In a great demonstration of maturity, Havoc sticks out his tongue. "Stress relief. Relaxation. Bonding. Stronger team mentality." He ticks off his fingers, tapping each with the pencil he has given up on balancing.

"How does Hide and Seek promote a team mentality?" Roy rests his chin on his hand as he flips open a folder of grade work with the other.

"It's the principle of the thing. Games unite people."

Mustang smirks. "Have you seen our girls' volleyball team?"

"Those are high schoolers," Havoc counters with an eye roll.

"I'm sorry, I fail to see how the vast majority of the population that haunts this lounge is any more mature than Coach Curtis' crew," Falman states.

Havoc snorts out a laugh. "Coach Curtis' _crew_? You come up with that one? The alliteration. It's killin me. You do that with your note sheets, too?"

"I do, in fact," Falman is still typing away. "It helps the kids retain the information better. Anyway, it's better than what the kids call _us_."

"What? Who calls us what? And who is _us_?"

"Us. The faculty that usually use this lounge, that generally have breaks together, that are planning on taking over the school together?" Mustang asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Ssshhh, ears everywhere, man," Breda grins. It's a well-known fact that Principal Bradley is a bit of a tyrannical, insane despot who stays awake late at night dreaming of new ways to make his students miserable. So when Roy Mustang had casually joked about overthrowing the corrupted government of Amestris High School one day, Havoc and Breda had immediately voiced their approval. Eventually, due to the nature of the men who find it incredibly difficult to resist sniggering at inside jokes, and the fact that others (mainly, Falman, Fuery, Hawkeye and Hughes) used the same workroom, the circle widened just a bit.

Falman spins around once more and nods. "Yes, that group. Did you know that we have a name?"

Havoc leans forward in his chair, interested. "I didn't. That's interesting. What do they call us?"

"Squad Mustang."

Havoc stares, Breda's jaw drops, and Mustang smirks. With a little chuckle, he says, "Well, then, as head of this squad, I say, _no_ Hide and Seek."

"Aaaaaw man!"

.

 _A/N: Fret not, Catalina and Hughes to make their debuts soon enough! As well as students! Wait-students in the Teachers' Lounge? How did they get in? What are they doing in there? Will Squad Mustang succeed in overthrowing the tyranny of Principal Bradley? Will Roy ever get to ask Riza on a date? Will Havoc ever get to play a game with his coworkers? What other ridiculous things do teachers do in the Lounge?_

 _A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain something without sacrificing something else in return. But once you have recovered it and made it your own…You will gain an irreplaceable Fullmetal heart. -Edward Elric_

 _A story without reviews is meaningless. For you cannot read something without sacrificing a comment in return. But once you have reviewed it and given it your thoughts…You will gain another Teachers' Lounge episode! -Commander Zucchini_


	3. Cat Fights

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 **Cat Fights**

.

 _Or, Catalina v. Hawkeye, Mustang v. Elric, Tom v. Gatsby, and Al and Cats v. Homework_

 _._

So far, today has been a nice and productive day.

Riza Hawkeye is sitting at the round table in the lounge. She's on her last stack of homework grading, and it seems that most of the kids have done an adequate job on contrasting Buchanan and Gatsby's characters. She takes a sip from her Starbucks travel mug as she turns to another page.

And almost spits out her coffee.

She stares for a moment, then literally facepalms, and sighs.

"Uh oh, what's the matter, did someone draw a heart with _MustEye Forever_ inside again?"

Riza lifts her head sharply to glare at the smirking face of Rebecca Catalina sitting across from her. Thankfully, she's the only other person in the teachers' lounge at the moment. The substitute teacher is covering Havoc's classes today, and Riza could almost swear that he takes days off just so he can have an excuse to talk to her about his incredibly detailed instructions.

"After I threatened afterschool help with Mr. Hughes? I'd love to see them try," Riza says flatly.

Rebecca heaves a dramatic sigh and rolls her eyes. "Oh come on, even the _students_ know how perfect you are for each other, why put yourselves through the misery of denying it?" She gives Riza a very pointed stare. "He likes you."

The blonde groans. "We've been through this before, Rebecca," she shakes her head. "This is a _high school_. Not only is it inappropriate and potentially disastrous for coworkers to date, but with the amount of gossip among staff - _staff_ , mind you, I'm not even talking about the _students_ \- it would be professional suicide. "

Rebecca has a sneaky cat-like grin on her face. "So you're not denying that you like him?"

"Have you completely disregarded everything I just said?"

"You're deflecting!"

"And you're deaf!"

"I knew it!" Rebecca shouts in triumph, just as the door opens.

"Knew what?" The suave baritone of Roy Mustang's voice floats into the room and Riza has to thank her couple of years in the drama department that she can battle down her blush. Of all the people to enter at this precise moment. It's like the plot of a bad story.

Smoothly, Riza deflects (once again), "Alphonse is becoming quite the artist." She pushes the homework over to Rebecca as though this is what they've been talking about all along.

After raising an eyebrow and pursing her lips a little in what must be severe disappointment, Rebecca looks down at the paper. "Oh," she says in disbelief. "Wow."

Roy takes a seat one chair away from Riza (not that she notices or cares or anything like that) and waits until Rebecca is done appraising the young Elric's work before he snags it to look for himself.

"Did he do this in _pen_?" He stares aghast at a fantastic rendition of two cats playing with each other. "I take it this is the feline adaptation of Fitzgerald's book?"

Riza rolls her eyes and takes the paper back. "I don't know if I should give him a zero or a recommendation to art school. I have no idea what's gotten into the boy. He doesn't even try to answer the questions anymore if he doesn't know it, he just…cats." She continues to stare at the paper.

"Actually, his brother has been acting kind of funny too, lately," Roy says after a moment, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"Oh? Edward? I don't have him this year," Riza tilts her head slightly. Finally, she marks the question wrong and writes 'please see me after class,' at the top of the page.

"You're lucky. That little punk is becoming a terror."

"Now, Doctor, I highly doubt that is having a positive outlook on a student."

Rebecca is surprisingly quiet and Riza sneaks a glance at her only to find her wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. She scowls and goes back to her grading. Roy, oblivious, is flicking through his phone.

"He's an absolute menace. The kid is like, Public Frenemy Number One. Everyone hates him, but we still need to be nice to him. He's untouchable. Why. Why does he have to be so untouchable?"

Rebecca pipes in cheekily, "Mustang, that sounds like grounds for a harassment claim right there."

Roy shoots her a dirty glare and says, "You know what I mean!"

She just laughs. "Sure. Well, no, not really, actually. I haven't had any classes with him this year, either."

"He was a sweet kid when I had him," Riza ponders as she writes a note in the margin of another student's essay. "And what do you mean by untouchable anyway? Can't you give him detention? Extra assignments?"

"They have absolutely no effect on him. In fact, it makes him worse."

"Have you tried using Mr. Hughes?"

"What do you mean _using_ Hughes?" Roy gives her a very confused look.

"Well, I had a few incidents before," Riza pointedly ignores Rebecca's not-so-discreet coughs at this, "and when I suggested that the perpetrators assist Mr. Hughes with his photo cataloguing after school, I never had the issue again."

"Hmmm," Roy gives Riza a slowly widening smile. "You are a genius."

Riza ducks her head under the guise of digging through her purse to hide that blush that she can't help this time.

.

 _A/N: Thanks to the lovely people that reviewed! As a gift, a little more of Al's artistic-ness and some romantic-ish development. So, there we have it, the reason Riza won't date Roy, despite the obvious support and encouragement of MustEye shippers throughout the school. Will Riza finally cave? Will Havoc get the guts to talk to Catalina outside of sick day ruses? Why are Ed and Al acting weird? Who are those MustEye shippers?! Come back for the next episode of…dun dun dun…The Teachers' Lounge!_

 _"Who even needs alchemy? When I've got THEM." –Edward Elric_

 _"Who even needs alchemy? When I've got REVIEWS." –Commander Zucchini_

 _Review please!_


	4. Codename Fullmetal

_A/N: I'm stuck! I hate when this happens. I'm sorry guys. I'm trying to sort out what to do-I know I have a few ideas, but they're not that developed. So bear with me. If you have any suggestions, do share…please! As a side note, I have a deviantart and a tumblr where I post a few things (DA more than tumblr, tumblr is new to me). DA username is thebonga and Tumblr is commanderzucchini. Got a couple sketches of this fic on there. :)_

 _Also - I'm putting this one out there. Amestris High School. Is it a private boarding school or a public school? You vote and tell me! I'm going with the fact that at least the campus is somewhat big, in order for them to have an East Teachers' Lounge after all ;)_

 _So! I'm sorry this one is really short, but I'm in a bit of a block, and if I don't conquer it now, I'm pretty sure it'll be some time before I can get anything longer out! Warning: incomplete and likely a little out of sequence. So consider it a teaser?_

.

.

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 **Codename Fullmetal**

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 _In which Team Elric is on a mission..._

.

 _Krrsshhh_.

"Fullmetal Zero, do you copy? Over."

 _Badeep_.

"Fullmetal Zero to Alpha Knight, read you loud and clear. Are you in position? Over."

 _Krrrshshhhsh. Crackle. Badeep._

"Alpha Knight?"

"Bandit Mechanic to Fullmetal Zero. Alpha Knight has been compromised. Do we abort? Over." _Badeep_.

"That's a negative. Identity of threat? Over."

 _Krsh_. "Unidentified, voices but no visibility, over." _Badeep_

"Bandit Mechanic, reroute to House Xing, Code Automail. I'll keep eyes out here in House Alchemy. Over and out."

Ed narrows his eyes and grits his teeth in frustration as he peers down the nearly empty hallway. Bandit Mechanic, or Winry Rockbell, should now be on her way to House Xing, otherwise known as the art classroom. She's supposed to set up her part of the project there and wait until Ed gives her the go ahead to make her move. Alphonse, codename Alpha Knight, was _supposed_ to be in House Dublin (the gym) keeping an eye out for their informant.

Unless…

Unless their informant was setting them up.

"Bandit Mechanic, Code Homunculus! I repeat, Code Homunculus! Get out of Xing!"

There is no reply.

A low voice chuckles behind Ed.

"Well, well, well. Look what we have here."

.

.

.

 _A/N: What are the kids up to? Is this why Ed and Al haven't been doing well in classes? Is this revenge? Is this a coup? Who is the informant? Where are Al and Winry? Who found Ed?!_

 _I'm not too sure either._

 _"Except…it's a terrible day for writer's block."_

 _"But, what do you mean? There isn't any writer's block."_

 _"Yes…there is."_

 _It exists! It's a deadly disease, don't let any other innocents suffer from it!_


	5. OPERATION: CLASSIFIED

.

.

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 **OPERATION: CLASSIFIED**

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 _Or, Ed and Co. are up to no good, ninjas ruin everything, and no Hughes, there's nothing cute about a milk moustache_

.

Ed slowly turns around, hands raised in surrender.

"Relax, Elric, I'm not gonna shoot you," chuckles Mr. Hughes, standing with his arms crossed and a highly amused expression on his face.

Ed breathes out a sigh of relief. Of all the teachers to be caught by, Maes Hughes is perhaps the most fortunate.

He also happens to be their informant.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to meet Al! He got caught because he was waiting for you!" Ed glares at the grinning mathematics and sometimes-if-the-school-can-afford-it-photography teacher.

"Oh, yeah, he got caught alright. By Coach Curtis. And lemme tell you, I like you kids, but not enough to step into _that_ situation."

At the mention of their one time babysitter and now ferociously terrifying coach, Ed blanches. After Trisha Elric had passed away, Izumi Curtis had spent a good amount of time having to take care of them over summers when the Granny Pinako and Winry were out of town.

Ed and Al were realllllly familiar with the tiles on her floor from all the pushups they had to do.

"Do you know what happened?" Ed asks with fear and trembling for the soul of his younger brother.

"I think she knew he was up to some suspicious activity. I think she's making him think about his actions while he does-"

"Push-ups," Al finishes, rounding the corner and smiling wearily at them.

"Al! You're ok?" Ed smiles in relief and the golden-haired-and-really-sweaty fifteen year old boy walking towards them.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, brother. She caught me right before I could get to Mr. Hughes. She made me do a hundred and then told me she didn't want to see me in detention for something stupid this week, and that I shouldn't do anything stupid, so 'go and find your brother and tell him whatever he's doing he better not be doing anything stupid because I know if you're doing something stupid it's probably his stupid fault.'"

Ed laughs. "Yep, sounds like 'ole Mrs. Curtis. Well let's hurry up and get this stupid thing done so no one else catches us!"

Al grins in return. "Roger that, sir," he says with a little half salute before turning to Mr. Hughes. "Sorry I'm late. Do you have what we need?"

"All depends if you have what _I_ need," the math teacher says in reply.

Al pulls out a manila envelope from his messenger bag and passes it to Mr. Hughes, who glances inside briefly, chuckles heartily, and tucks it under his arm. "Alrighty, then, boys, follow me!"

.

 _"Fullmetal Zero to Bandit Mechanic, do you copy?"_

 _"Loud and clear, Fullmetal! I'm sorry about that, I was ambushed by a ninja."_

 _"They have. The. Worst. Timing."_

 _"Tell me about it. Anyway, I'm back and all set up here in Xing. What's your status?"_

 _"Met our lead and got Alpha Knight back. We're heading to HQ now. Be on standby."_

 _"Sir, yes, s - hey! No, Ling_ stop it, don't touch those you idiot _!"_

 _"Ninjas?"_

 _"I'm gonna_ kill _him."_

.

Mr. Hughes peeks left and right down the hallway before looking down at the lock. He swiftly enters a string of numbers, and there's a click as the door to the Teachers' Lounge opens.

" _This_ is the Lounge?" Ed asks with a grimace. "There's no couch, there's like three things in your vending machine, and _what_ is that _fossil_ in the corner?" Ed's shock turns into a look of pure horror at the old white desktop computer with _Windows Vista_ flashing on the screensaver.

"This, my young Padawan, is what budget cuts and greedy principals looks like. Oops, did I just say that out loud?" Hughes smirks as he sits down in a chair.

"Wait, you're just gonna watch?" Al asks as he tapes a couple sheets of paper onto the door's slim window panel to keep anyone who might still be around from seeing inside.

"Well, yeah, um, I can't just leave you two in here alone. I'm breaking enough rules right now, but I'm not looking to get _fired_." Hughes takes out the contents of his manila envelope and starts idly looking through them.

"You _could_ help," Ed grumbles and climbs on top of the table in the middle of the room. He reaches up and stops. And glares at the ceiling that is inches beyond his reach. "What idiot made this ceiling so high?"

Hughes glances up and laughs. "Need a boost, squirt?"

Ed glares. "Shut up! Al, get me a book to stand on or something."

"Um, sorry, brother, but I think you'll need more than one book…and I don't have _any_ …"

There's a knock at the door. They all freeze.

Ed spins around quickly to look at Hughes in terror before he dives off the table and scrambles to hide by the vending machine in the corner, Al following. "Find your own corner, you're too big!" Ed whispers fiercely.

"There's no other corner to hide in, brother!"

 _Krrrrrsh._

 _"Fullmetal are you in there or not?"_

The little earpieces that Winry tweaked for them to communicate with give off a little _badeep_ in the two teens' ears. Both of their eyes widen and they almost collapse from laughing so hard.

 _"I hear you two, you idiots, let me in before someone finds us!"_

Al rushes to open the door and, not one, but _two_ people come rushing in.

There's a mess of black hair peeking out behind a big box. The box drops to the ground to reveal slanted eyes and an annoyingly cheerful face. "Heya, Ed, Al, Mr. H. What's poppin?"

Exasperated, Ed stares for a moment before replying. "Go away, Ling. We're busy." Ed shoots a look at Winry, clearly saying, _What were you thinking you massive turnip brain?_

She has a deadpan glare in response.

Unperturbed, Ling continues on, "Whatcha doin?"

Ed opens the box that Ling had been carrying and starts taking things out. "None of your business. Shoo, fly." They really couldn't afford to have anyone else catch them.

"Aww, don' be like that, Edo. So what's in here?" He peers over Ed's shoulder to look inside.

"Why are you even here?" Ed shifts so Ling can't see what he's doing.

Ling looks affronted. "Why, I was helping Miss Winry here carry that box here, of course. And so, I should like to see what I was so benevolently assisting her with."

"This isn't Shakespeare, weirdo," Winry frowns. "And I definitely didn't need help carrying it. You insisted. And practically took off down the hall with it. We could have gotten caught you know."

"Ah, but we were not," he grins. "For I am ninja."

Mr. Hughes finally steps in and says, "Alright, I'm helping, and we're doing this quickly, because I've got to get home. It's my little girl's half birthday so we're doing something special for her, and I'm not wasting any more time here, great prank or no. Hurry up boys." He receives a glare from Winry. "And girl," he amends quickly. "Or else I'm going to start showing you super cute pictures of my little darling Elysia's milk moustache from this morning!"

The kids have never worked faster.

And how many different pictures of a milk moustache could a person even _take_?

.

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.

 _A/N: Thanks for reading! Umm…only one person really voted on what kind of school this should be (private or public). Voting is closing soon, guys! And thank you so much to those that reviewed and inspired me to get out of my little block. I think the ball is rolling again!_

 _I've got some more FMA art up now, and more coming (especially inspired by this story) if you wanna check it out! Deviantart account is thebonga, and Tumblr is commanderzucchini!_

 _Before we part, Ed has some words of wisdom for you:_

 _Read stories and review. Keep reading forward. You've got two good eyes. So get up and use them. You're strong enough to write your own reviews._


	6. It Was the Chain Mail Messages

_A/N: Sorry for the wait! Now, I KNOW you all want to know what Team Fullmetal did to the Teachers' Lounge, but you're gonna hafta wait I'm afraid. This takes place IMMEDIATELY after the last chapter and it DOES have something to do with the plot. :D Partially inspired by the TFLN: It was already on fire when I got there._

 _Check out my deviantart profile at thebonga for illustrations for this fic! Also, a new project I'm working on is called "Selfies in the Teachers' Lounge," and will feature our beloved 'teachers' taking various selfies. I thought it was pretty cool, at least. :p_

 _._

 _._

 _._

 **It Was the Chain Mail Messages**

 _._

 _._

 _._

 _Or, Roy experiences a severe case of Murphy's Law. Chaos and text messages ensue._

 _._

 _-LATER THAT SAME DAY-_

 _RMustang 4:45 pm:_ Hughes where are you

 _MHughes 4:50 pm:_ Sorry, it's my babygirl's half birthday today and we're celebrating. Need something?

 _RMustang 4:50 pm:_ What's a half birthday?! And well my car is totaled

 _MHughes 4:52 pm:_ It's six months before her birthday, duh. And lol you totally need to tell me this story tmrw. But I'm rly sry to hear that. Txt Hawkeye? She lives near u.

 _RMustang 4:53 pm:_ I thought u were a friend

 _MHughes 4:54 pm:_ I am a friend! But it's Elysia's special day and u wanted an excuse to text Hawkeye right? Here ya go, prime opportunity!

 _RMustang 4:55 pm:_ Under less than ideal circumstances. Seriously, this is embarrassing.

 _MHughes 4:56 pm:_ Sending u her contact info. Best of luck, buddy.

 _RMustang 4:56 pm:_ I hate u

 _MHughes 4:57 pm:_ [MHughes has shared a contact] U can thank me later.

.

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 _RMustang 5:00 pm:_ Hey Riza, this is Roy. Are u busy?

 _RHawkeye 5:02 pm:_ 1\. How did you get my number? 2. I'm about to have dinner.

 _RMustang 5:03 pm:_ Hughes gave me your number. Could I beg a favor of u? Hughes is busy with his family, and my car is totaled. I'm at Starbucks at Resembool and North Drive.

 _RHawkeye_ _5:05 pm:_ I'll be there in fifteen.

 _RMustang 5:05 pm:_ Ur a life saver

.

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 **Group Message**

 _MHughes 5:42 pm:_ Sooooo, funny story guys.

 _KFuery 5:45 pm:_ I don't know if I want to hear this.

 _HBreda 5:45 pm:_ What's up?

 _RHawkeye 5:46 pm:_ How did you get this number?

 _MHughes 5:47 pm:_ Phone book.

 _RHawkeye 5:48 pm:_ White pages don't carry cell numbers.

 _MHughes 5:48 pm:_ Staff directory.

 _RHawkeye 5:49 pm:_ I thought that was only for special cases, such as shootings or snow days.

 _MHughes 5:50 pm:_ This is an equally worthy cause.

 _RHawkeye 5:50 pm:_ Gossip? What are you, female?

 _JHavoc 5:50 pm:_ So, what's this story? Waiting with bated breath here.

 _MHughes 5:51 pm:_ U guys know that Starbucks on Resembool and North?

 _RMustang_ _5:51 pm:_ Hughes, if u value your soul, u will stop this now. Anyway, I thought you were BUSY

 _HBreda 5:51 pm:_ GO ON QUICK :D

 _RMustang_ _5:51 pm:_ I promise you.

 _MHughes 5:53 pm:_ Sorry guys, but u all can just turn on Channel 5 news ;) And I am, but I suddenly saw the news. U weren't kidding when you said ur car got totaled.

 _RMustang_ _5:54 pm:_ I'll settle for Elysia's soul. I'm planning some very corruptible bonding activities with my goddaughter. How about puppy kicking.

 _MHughes 5:55 pm:_ YOU LEAVE MY PRECIOUS BOO OUT OF THIS YOU FIEND.

 _RHawkeye 5:55 pm:_ I'm helping. I have an old slingshot and marbles. They'll never see us hitting puppies.

 _RMustang_ _5:56 pm:_ I know how to make marbles explode.

 _MHughes 5:56 pm:_ You are never allowed near my house ever again. Either of you. Hawkeye, you don't even know where I live.

 _RHawkeye 5:57 pm:_ White pages. Directory.

 _MHughes 5:57 pm:_ Stay away!

 _VFalman 5:58 pm:_ Well, Mustang, good job.

 _RMustang_ _5:59 pm:_ Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

 _KFuery 6:03 pm:_ How do I remove myself from this conversation? I'm fearing for my life just from reading this.

 _MHughes 6:03 pm:_ You can't :D

 _RMustang_ _6:04 pm:_ You can block his number, Fuery. In fact, I suggest everyone do so.

 _VFalman 6:05 pm:_ I really do want to know what happened, though.

 _JHavoc 6:05 pm:_ Ditto

 _RMustang_ _6:06 pm:_ Went out for coffee. Starbucks on fire. Not my fault. The end.

 _HBreda 6:08 pm:_ Then why is your face and car on the news.

 _RMustang_ _6:08 pm:_ No idea.

 _MHughes 6:09 pm:_ Because he's a pyro and coffee addict. He tried to rob Starbucks and committed arson when they told him they were out of Frappuccinos.

 _RMustang_ _6:10 pm:_ Shut up, Maes. Ok long story short, I had pesticides in the car. A drunk driver crashed into my car and it might have caused a mini mini explosion. But let's be clear I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE OK

 _HBreda 6:11 pm:_ Murphy's Law. Mustang style.

 _JHavoc 6:11 pm:_ How many mirrors did you break this morning?

 _VFalman 6:11 pm:_ It's all those chain mail messages you never forwarded.

 _Roy 6:12 pm:_ I hate you guys.

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 _A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this. It was fun to write. Also, voting closed! Public school it is! I see this going many, many places. :D If anyone wants to see a particular selfie for my new project, drop a comment!_

 _Review this fic, then copy and paste the story_ _url_ _and send to 30 of your BFFLs and most closest friends ever within the next thirty three seconds, or else Barry the Chopper will come knocking at your door in the middle of the night at 12:34 and haunt your ever living soul by torturing you with long and drawn out monologues of his terrifying and disgusting exploits when he was alive._

 _Or you could just review, and_ _instead_ _Al will come by tomorrow morning with an autographed drawing of cats for you to hang on your wall. It's your choice._

 **EDIT: FIRST COME FIRST SERVE AL IS GIVING AWAY FREE KITTENS TO REVIEWERS! RESERVE YOUR KITTENS NOW!**

 _Kittens may be adopted at thebonga dot deviantart dot com._

 **Edit: Adoptions closed, but if you reviewed for this chapter and have not yet received a kitten, rest assured your kittens will be coming soon. If after 30 days you have still not received your kitten, please notify us and we will seek to remedy the situation immediately. Customer satisfaction is our priority. Thank you for your participation.** Until next time!


	7. You Know, This Isn't the First Time

_A/N: I'm sorry this one took forever! I had a few other projects I've been working on. Also, I've been getting a bit busy with real life and things. Kitten adoption claims from the last chapter are coming, rest assured! Hope you enjoy this next installment!_

 _OHMYGOODNESS thanks everyone for all your reviews! I got all warm and fuzzy feelings when I read them! You all are the BEST. Please don't stop though, because reviews are seriously fuel for writing!_

 _Glad to know you all liked the texting idea! I'll be sure to include some more in the future! Also, next episode we will hopefully find out what happened to the Teachers' Lounge!_

 _As a note, both Havbec and Havolina are used as a ship name for Havoc and Catalina. Javelina is a type of pig. Havolina is perhaps a bit more prevalent, and is my preferred ship name, just as I prefer MustEye to Royai. Lol, jk on that one. But really, I've seen them both, and I like the sound of Havolina._

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 **You Know, This Isn't the First Time Something Exploded**

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 _Or, that moment when Roy realized Maes actually wasn't all that bad. Kinda._

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A blue Toyota Camry is pulling up at the curb. Immediately, a dark haired man rushes out from a nearby alleyway and darts into the car, slamming the door shut with a bit more force than necessary.

"Drive! Now!" Roy barks out in a panicked voice.

It's probably a good thing that Riza can perform under pressure. She's been in a car with Rebecca driving once.

Never.

Again.

The crazy lady had swerved at least ten times, she had no, absolutely _no_ sense of direction, and even with a map and GPS and Riza attempting to calmly navigate, she missed her turn six times, panicking and profusely apologizing to both Riza and Siri an obscene amount.

Let's not even talk about the road rage.

Suffice to say, Riza is nothing like Rebecca Catalina. Riza is a pretty good driver. And when really handsome dark haired chemistry teachers that smell like smoke and pesticides barge into her car and demand she start driving immediately, she can act now and ask questions later.

She can also do both at the same time.

"Why?" Riza says in a composed and mellow voice that belies both the absolute absurdity of the situation and the fact that she is accelerating as fast as she possibly can without attracting undue attention from the police still at the scene. "Buckle up," she adds drily.

"They saw me," Roy says, still distressed and craning his neck to peek out the rear windshield. He fumbles with the seat belt.

Riza raises an eyebrow but doesn't take her eyes off the road as she makes a sharp turn. "Dr. Mustang, if you're really some undercover agent being hunted by the government or enemy spies, you are out of my car."

"I'll take government agents over Amestris High School students any day," Roy says, still watching out the window despite now being a good distance away. He then adds as an afterthought, "You can call me Roy."

Riza immediately lets up on the gas, but continues to drive nonetheless. "Let me get this straight, _Dr. Mustang_ ," she says slowly. "You text me right before I sit down to eat dinner, asking me to come pick you up because your car is totaled, I pull up to the Starbucks, or what used to be the Starbucks, and find a bomb site surrounded by fire trucks and police vehicles, you barge into my car, from an alleyway, can we appreciate how creepy that is for just a second, and then you demand that I drive off immediately because of some high school kids?"

"They weren't just any high school kids! Those were the Elrics and Winry Rockbell!" Roy says as though this explains everything.

"Forgive me if I fail to follow your logic."

Roy stares at her. "Those...I can't even call them kids, they're like the spawn of evil itself..."

"Dr. Mustang, that is incredibly judgmental and harsh. Winry and the Elric boys are," for a moment, Riza pauses as she remembers tests and homework riddled with cat essays and MustEye hearts instead of actual answers, "...lovely kids."

"You hesitated. You know," Roy accuses.

"Evil is going too far, Mustang. They're sweet kids." Really. Usually.

"Well, I got you to drop the Dr. part. That's a start."

" _Dr_. Mustang, how did you manage to destroy the city's beloved coffee shop?"

"This wasn't my fault."

"So it wasn't another one of your insane physics and chemistry hybrid experiments?"

"Ok, once! Once. The only reason that the sports equipment shed is...um, no longer standing-"

"I think the word you're looking for is _incinerated_."

"It wasn't that bad! There are still some...pieces standing."

"Coach Curtis made you do two hundred push-ups."

"She's getting a new one. I don't see why this is such a big deal."

"They're not getting the equipment that was inside, though."

"Alright, so a few miscalculations on my part ended up in a little explosion and some damages. Did I mention that Ed was involved? _Heavily_ , I might add? At least half of the blame is on him."

"He's a kid."

"A conniving, plotting, evil genius kid."

"What did I say about calling them evil?"

"Anyway, it's partly his fault."

"How old are you now?"

Roy sulks. After a solid minute of pouting, he grumbles to the window, "It was a drunk driver."

"Pardon?" Riza is momentarily confused before realizing that he must be talking about the person that hit him.

Roy finally breaks out of his sulking to rant. "Some idiot drunk driver hit my car while I was getting coffee. Smashed straight into a window. I had a bunch of pesticides in the backseat for a project. Kinda complicated things."

Riza shakes her head. "I'm not even going to ask why you had pesticides in the back of your car. Was anyone hurt? Looked like quite the mess back there."

"It just looks bad. Driver was taken to the hospital but it looked like he just had a busted nose and lip from the airbag." _(A/N: Totally unrealistic but this is a fic lol)_

 _"_ Are you alright?" Riza spares a glance at the surly chemistry and physics teacher.

"Peachy," Roy grumbles to the window again, completely belying the fact that his insides are doing those little tummy flips like a teenage girl because she asked after his well being.

Yeah, he has it bad.

At that moment, Riza's phone gives a little chime from her purse. She fishes it out and hands it to Roy, saying, "Can you read that for me?"

Slightly bewildered by the fact that she's trusting him to do such a thing, and a little more than slightly amused that she's one of those that clearly is against texting and driving, even going to such lengths to allow him to read her text for her, he obeys.

"It's from Hughes," Roy says with a furrowed brow. "Says, 'so, funny story guys.' It's a group message."

"I still want to know how he got my number. Please ask him how he got it."

The phone chimes again, and Roy laughs. "Fury says, 'I don't know if I want to hear this.'" Another chime. "'What's up,' from Breda." He finishes sending her text, then pulls out his own phone and sees that he has received the same three (now four) messages. Great. What is Hughes up to?

Chime. "Um, Hughes said he got it from the phone book. Ha."

"Please inform him that white pages do not carry cell numbers."

She makes the turn down Roy's street and all of a sudden he realizes he never told her his address. "Wait, how do you know where I live?"

Riza gives a little smirk. "Phone book."

"Are you confessing to stalking me, Ms. Hawkeye?"

"Not at all, Dr. Mustang. When I moved in, your name was on the list of neighbors to avoid. I think specifically next to your name were the words: volatile and pyromaniac."

"Are you serious?! That was ONE TIME! And I was new to the neighborhood! How can they judge me for that?!"

"You know, Dr. Mustang, you have a lot of these 'one times.'" Roy resumes his pouting as she pulls up next to his house. She takes her phone just as it chimes again, reads her latest message and then raises an eyebrow as she begins to reply. "Seriously? The directory? Isn't that for emergencies only?"

He scoffs. "We're talking about Hughes. Who routinely shoves pictures of his daughter underneath your nose. Who has no concept of privacy. Who is currently throwing a half birthday party for his daughter."

"That's why he couldn't pick you up?" Her lips purse in a skeptical fashion.

She sends off another text, and a moment later Roy barks out a laugh. "Did you really just ask Hughes if he was a female? The way he keeps pushing me to get married, though, you'd think he was my mom."

Riza gives a small laugh at that.

It was at this point that Roy realized he was actually incredibly thankful that Maes celebrated half birthdays.

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 _A/N: Don't text and drive, guys! Bad. Riza's got it right, k? ;) Really though, it's dangerous! Your reaction time is worse than a drunk driver's! Don't do that either._

 _K anyway, if anyone is interested in some accompanying fanart for this, check out my deviantart (thebonga), tumblr or Instagram (commander zucchini) :) Feel free to submit ideas!_

 _"_ _Can I review this, Lust? Can I? Can I?"_

 _"_ _No, Gluttony, you can't review that story or you'll get a tummyache."_

 _Said no homunculi ever._

 _Please review!_


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